🏈 WEEK 3 POWER RANKINGS
Three weeks.
We officially have enough evidence to stop saying:
“IT'S STILL EARLY.”
Purdy Good Times is 3–0 and has scored 574.2 fucking points.
Engineers Beards somehow leads the Stud Division. Porky's finally won. Rigo finally lost. Joaquin finally got humbled. Ishy just dropped 180.
And Erik and Ivan are sitting at 0–3, staring directly into the abyss.
💀 PURDY GOOD TIMES — Guadalupe Muñoz
1st — Baller Division | W3 | Previous: #1 ↔
I HAVE RUN OUT OF JOKES.
Guadalupe is fucking murdering people.
Week 2: 198.6
Week 3: 197.4
That's 574.2 points in three weeks.
Average:
Brock Purdy dropped 62.1. JSN dropped 36.2. Derrick Henry added 21.9.
Purdy + JSN alone scored 98.3.
Joaquin's entire team scored 142.3.
And this wasn't against some bottom feeder. This was against the previously undefeated Real Slim Brady.
Guadalupe ripped the microphone out of Joaquin's hand and beat him over the head with it.
Last year Guadalupe went 2–13.
This year he's 3–0.
He has officially won more games in three weeks than he did during the ENTIRE FUCKING REGULAR SEASON LAST YEAR.
🚗 DUDE WHERES MY CARR? — Ishy Ibarra
3rd — Stud Division | W2 | Previous: #4 ⬆
THE CARR HAS BEEN LOCATED.
And apparently somebody installed a fucking V12.
Ishy dropped 180.7.
Jahmyr Gibbs: 41.4
Lamar Jackson: 35.6
Brock Bowers: 27.6
That's 104.6 points from three players.
FX4 scored 135.6 total.
Those three basically handled Erik themselves.
Ishy has now won two straight after losing to Rigo in Week 1, and his 65% playoff odds are the highest in the Stud Division.
After coming one game short of back-to-back championships last season, Ishy looks like he's planning another run.
🧔 ENGINEERS BEARDS — Ruben Salazar
1st — Stud Division | W1 | Previous: #4 ⬆
ENGINEERS BEARDS IS IN FIRST PLACE.
I'm going to repeat that.
RUBEN IS LEADING THE STUD DIVISION.
Bijan Robinson: 35.3
Josh Allen: 29.7
Drake London: 28.4
Final: 169.4–125.7.
Ruben has scored 501.8 points, second-most in the entire league.
Engineers Beards has scored 173.6, 158.8 and 169.4.
No disaster week. No 105-point shitshow. Just production.
I'm beginning to suspect Ruben actually knows what he's doing.
Disgusting.
🎤 THE REAL SLIM BRADY — Joaquin Ruiz
2nd — Stud Division | L1 | Previous: #2 ⬇
THERE IT IS.
The microphone has been temporarily disconnected.
After starting 2–0 and becoming increasingly fucking annoying, Joaquin finally met somebody who didn't care about the Slim Brady comeback tour.
Guadalupe.
SLIM BRADY 142.3
That's a 55.1-point ass beating.
Dak gave Joaquin 37.0. CMC gave him 21.6. Javonte added 18.3.
Normally respectable.
Guadalupe responded by launching a nuclear weapon.
We're not burying Slim Brady.
We're just enjoying the silence while it lasts.
🎼 EL MAESTRO GARCIA — Rigo Garcia
2nd — Baller Division | L1 | Previous: #3 ⬇
🚨 THE KING HAS FALLEN 🚨
And who did it?
🐷 PORKY'S FUCKING PRIME CUT 🐷
Rigo entered Week 3 undefeated.
Four-time champion. Defending champ. League final boss.
Porky's entered 0–2.
EL MAESTRO 123.5
By 3.7 points.
It wasn't pretty. It wasn't dominant. It wasn't convincing.
Nobody gives a shit.
Patrick Mahomes scored 34.7. Deebo added 20.4. CeeDee had 20.2.
But Rigo couldn't find another four points.
For one glorious week...
EL MAESTRO GOT TURNED INTO PORK SAUSAGE.
🐷 PORKY'S PRIME CUT — Rene Salazar
3rd — Baller Division | W1 | Previous: #6 ↔
BREAKING NEWS:
THE BUTCHER SHOP HAS MADE A SALE.
After starting 0–2, Porky's desperately needed a win.
Unfortunately the opponent was Rigo.
So naturally Rene started...
TYLER SHOUGH.
And the motherfucker scored:
50.1 POINTS.
Not Taylor.
Not Achane.
Not Jeanty.
Not one of the seventeen receivers Rene drafted.
TYLER FUCKING SHOUGH.
127.2 isn't an impressive team score.
But when you're 0–2 and playing the defending four-time champion, style points can go fuck themselves.
Porky's playoff odds are now 39%, and Rene is only one game behind Rigo.
But let's not start sucking each other's dicks yet.
Porky's still owns a -70.1 point differential.
For one week, however...
🥩 THE MEAT IS FRESH. 🥩
🛡️ KAPTAIN AMERICA — Ivan Muñoz
4th — Stud Division | L3 | Previous: #7 ↔
OKAY.
NOW WE CAN PANIC.
0–3.
Ivan is the only winless team in the Stud Division.
And his playoff odds have dropped to:
21%
The lowest in the entire league.
Ja'Marr Chase: 24.8.
Kenneth Walker: 21.3.
Drake Maye: 16.2.
Team total: 125.7.
Remember the preseason joke?
“Ivan will dominate the regular season and choke in the playoffs again.”
Ivan apparently found the loophole:
DON'T MAKE THE PLAYOFFS.
Can't lose in December if you're sitting on the couch eating Christmas cookies.
⛏️ FX4 GOLD RUSH — Erik Ruiz
4th — Baller Division | L3 | Previous: #8 ↔
ERIK ACTUALLY IMPROVED!
135.6!
Congratulations!
You still lost by 45.1 fucking points.
Garrett Wilson scored 26.7. Jeremiyah Love added 21.9. James Cook gave him 21.4.
Unfortunately Ishy rolled into town with Gibbs, Lamar and Bowers and turned FX4 into a demolition derby.
And now the season numbers are horrifying:
550.2 PA — LAST
-183.3 POINT DIFFERENTIAL
After THREE FUCKING WEEKS.
Erik's opponents are averaging:
183.4 PPG
At this point Erik doesn't need lineup advice.
He needs an exorcist.
And the Ruiz family scoreboard:
Erik: 0–3 | 22% playoffs
Last year's rivalry victory is starting to look like Erik's final moment of happiness.
📊 OFFICIAL WEEK 3 POWER RANKINGS
574.2 PF | +175.0
The best team through three weeks. There is no longer an argument.
2. 🚗 Dude Wheres My Carr? — 2–1 ⬆
481.6 PF | +64.4
180.7 this week and two straight wins. The Carr is fucking flying.
3. 🧔 Engineers Beards — 2–1 ⬆
501.8 PF | +65.2
First in the Stud Division and second in league scoring.
4. 🎤 The Real Slim Brady — 2–1 ⬇
493.0 PF | +33.7
Still dangerous. Guadalupe shut him the fuck up for a week.
5. 🎼 El Maestro Garcia — 2–1 ⬇
458.1 PF | +25.6
Still the four-time champ. But Porky's drew blood.
6. 🐷 Porky's Prime Cut — 1–2 ↔
406.8 PF | -70.1
The score wasn't pretty. Beating Rigo absolutely was.
7. 🛡️ Kaptain America — 0–3 ↔
391.5 PF | -110.5
The playoff jokes are rapidly becoming draft-position jokes.
8. ⛏️ FX4 Gold Rush — 0–3 ↔
366.9 PF | -183.3
Three weeks. Three losses. One collapsed mine.
🏢 DIVISION WATCH
🧔 STUD DIVISION
| Team | Record | Playoff |
|---|---|---|
| Engineers Beards | 2–1 | 57% |
| The Real Slim Brady | 2–1 | 61% |
| Dude Wheres My Carr? | 2–1 | 65% |
| Kaptain America | 0–3 | 21% |
Three teams are tied at 2–1.
Ivan is sitting alone at 0–3.
The Stud Division currently consists of three men fighting over first place while Ivan watches through the restaurant window.
💀 BALLER DIVISION
| Team | Record | Playoff |
|---|---|---|
| Purdy Good Times | 3–0 | 76% |
| El Maestro Garcia | 2–1 | 58% |
| Porky's Prime Cut | 1–2 | 39% |
| FX4 Gold Rush | 0–3 | 22% |
Perfect staircase.
3–0
2–1
1–2
0–3
And somehow Guadalupe is sitting on top of Rigo.
If you'd predicted that before the season, we would've drug-tested you.
🏆 WEEK 3 AWARDS
👑 TEAM OF THE WEEK
Dude Wheres My Carr? — 180.7Guadalupe scored more, but Ishy's Gibbs/Lamar/Bowers trio dropping 104.6 deserves recognition for pure violence.
☢️ NUKE OF THE WEEK
Brock Purdy — 62.1Guadalupe's team is named Purdy Good Times. Brock Purdy scores 62.1. We're living inside somebody's shitty fantasy-football screenplay.
🐷 UPSET OF THE WEEK
Porky's Prime Cut 127.2 — El Maestro 123.5Rene's first win. Rigo's first loss. By 3.7 points. Fantasy football is magnificent.
🚗 ASS-KICKING OF THE WEEK
Dude Wheres My Carr? 180.7 — FX4 135.6Ishy found the Carr. Then drove it directly over Erik.
🚨 PANIC METER
🐷 Porky's — 🟡🟡
Finally won. Step away from the emergency button.
🛡️ Kaptain America — 🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴
0–3. 21% playoff odds. We're there.
⛏️ FX4 — 🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔥💀
This isn't a panic meter anymore. It's a fucking obituary.
🍿 FINAL WORD
Three weeks into the Gold Coast League...
Guadalupe is 3–0.
Ruben leads the Stud Division.
Ishy just dropped 180.7.
Joaquin finally lost.
Rigo finally lost.
Porky's finally won.
Ivan is 0–3.
Erik is 0–3 with a -183.3 point differential.
And somehow the most unbelievable sentence remains:
Not “surprisingly good.”
Not “off to a hot start.”
Not “getting lucky.”
Through three weeks...
THE MOTHERFUCKER IS #1.
See you in Week 4.
Unless Erik and Ivan have already deleted the ESPN app.
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