Three weeks.
That's all it took for this league to completely go to shit.
Guadalupe is undefeated. Ruben is leading a division. Rigo lost to Porky's. Ivan hasn't won a game. Erik appears to be playing fantasy football on All-Madden difficulty.
“IT'S STILL EARLY.”
Purdy Good Times is 3–0 and has scored 574.2 fucking points.
Meanwhile, Erik has allowed 550.2 points and probably checks the ESPN app every Tuesday just to make sure the loss still counts.
76% Playoff Odds | 1st Baller | W3 | Previous: #1 ↔
Guadalupe is fucking murdering people.
Week 2: 198.6
Week 3: 197.4
That's 574.2 points in three weeks.
Last season Guadalupe's team looked like it had been assembled by eight raccoons fighting over a Yahoo cheat sheet.
He went 2–13.
Three weeks into this season?
3–0.
He has already won more games than he did during the ENTIRE FUCKING REGULAR SEASON LAST YEAR.
Week 3 was especially disrespectful.
Brock Purdy: 62.1
JSN: 36.2
Derrick Henry: 21.9
Purdy + JSN alone scored 98.3.
Joaquin's entire team scored 142.3.
Guadalupe essentially beat Joaquin with two guys and then let everyone else come along for cardio.
The man we spent all last season using as a weekly punchline has apparently been collecting receipts.
And now he's back like the villain in a sequel nobody realized was being filmed.
65% Playoff Odds | W2 | Previous: #5 ⬆️
And apparently somebody put a fucking V12 in it.
Ishy dropped 180.7 on Erik.
🚀 Lamar Jackson — 35.6
🚀 Brock Bowers — 27.6
That's 104.6 points from three players.
FX4's entire team scored 135.6.
Gibbs, Lamar and Bowers basically jumped Erik in the parking lot while Ishy's other starters watched.
Remember, Ishy was one win away from going back-to-back last year.
Apparently losing the championship didn't humble him.
It just pissed him off.
57% Playoff Odds | 1st Stud | W1 | Previous: #4 ⬆️
Because there's no fucking way this is the same manager who went 3–12 last year.
LEADS THE STUD DIVISION.
I checked twice.
Unfortunately, it's real.
🏗️ Josh Allen — 29.7
🏗️ Drake London — 28.4
Ruben beat Ivan 169.4–125.7.
His weekly scores:
173.6 → 158.8 → 169.4
No disaster games. No lineup that looks like it was set while sitting at a red light. No engineering malpractice.
Just points.
The rest of us watching Ruben become competent:
“WHO THE FUCK GAVE HIM THE BLUEPRINTS?”
61% Playoff Odds | L1 | Previous: #2 ⬇️
After two weeks of Joaquin walking around like Eminem after winning an Oscar, Guadalupe finally unplugged the microphone.
SLIM BRADY 142.3
55.1-point ass beating.
Dak scored 37.0.
CMC scored 21.6.
Javonte scored 18.3.
Normally, that's a respectable Sunday.
Guadalupe responded by firing a missile through Joaquin's living-room window.
Still 2–1. Still dangerous.
But after listening to Joaquin talk shit for two weeks, we're legally obligated to enjoy this.
And yes, Joaquin...
Your brother is still 0–3, so Thanksgiving hasn't been completely ruined.
58% Playoff Odds | L1 | Previous: #3 ⬇️
Four championships.
Defending champion.
League Thanos.
Final boss.
And who finally knocked him down?
This wasn't David versus Goliath.
This was David showing up drunk with a pork chop and somehow killing Goliath anyway.
Mahomes gave Rigo 34.7. Deebo gave him 20.4. CeeDee gave him 20.2.
Rigo needed four more points.
Four.
The orchestra couldn't find them.
Don't get excited. He's still Rigo.
We've seen this movie before.
He'll probably go 11–1 from here just to punish us for enjoying this paragraph.
39% Playoff Odds | W1 | Previous: #6 ↔
HAS MADE A FUCKING SALE.
Porky's started 0–2.
The season was beginning to smell like expired ground beef.
Then Rene looked at the defending four-time champion and said:
And Tyler Shough scored...
Not Jonathan Taylor.
Not Achane.
Not Jeanty.
Not one of the 47 wide receivers Rene drafted.
FUCKING.
SHOUGH.
127.2 points is normally the fantasy equivalent of microwaved steak.
But when it beats Rigo?
That's USDA Prime, baby.
Now let's calm the fuck down.
Porky's is still 1–2 with a -70.1 differential.
The butcher shop made one sale. We are not opening a second location yet.
21% Playoff Odds | L3 | Previous: #7 ↔
Ivan's playoff odds:
Lowest in the league.
Remember when we joked that Kaptain America would dominate the regular season and then choke in the playoffs?
Ivan apparently heard us and developed a revolutionary strategy:
IF YOU DON'T FUCKING MAKE THEM.
The Avengers have not assembled.
They appear to have missed the group text.
At 0–3, Captain America's shield is currently being used as a dinner plate.
22% Playoff Odds | L3 | Previous: #8 ↔
That's progress!
He only lost by...
Oh.
Garrett Wilson scored 26.7.
Jeremiyah Love scored 21.9.
James Cook scored 21.4.
And Ishy responded by backing the Carr over Erik, putting it in drive, and doing it again.
Three weeks.
Erik's opponents are averaging 183.4 points.
At this point Erik doesn't need waiver-wire advice.
He needs holy water.
He needs a priest.
He needs ESPN to accidentally delete the league.
And now for everyone's favorite weekly segment:
🎤 Joaquin: 2–1 | 61%
⛏️ Erik: 0–3 | 22%
Erik beat Joaquin last year to eliminate his own brother from playoff contention.
That victory was supposed to provide a lifetime of family bragging rights.
At this rate it's going to be Erik's last recorded fantasy football achievement.
Enjoy the Christmas story while you still can, brother.
1. 💀 Purdy Good Times — 3–0 ↔
574.2 PF | +175.0
The joke has become the final boss.
2. 🚗 Dude Wheres My Carr? — 2–1 ⬆️
481.6 PF | +64.4
The Carr has been found and is apparently uninsured.
3. 🧔 Engineers Beards — 2–1 ⬆️
501.8 PF | +65.2
Ruben being competent is deeply unsettling.
4. 🎤 The Real Slim Brady — 2–1 ⬇️
493.0 PF | +33.7
Microphone privileges temporarily revoked.
5. 🎼 El Maestro Garcia — 2–1 ⬇️
458.1 PF | +25.6
The four-time champ was defeated by pork.
6. 🐷 Porky's Prime Cut — 1–2 ↔
406.8 PF | -70.1
One win. Parade permit pending.
7. 🛡️ Kaptain America — 0–3 ↔
391.5 PF | -110.5
Avengers currently unavailable.
8. ⛏️ FX4 Gold Rush — 0–3 ↔
366.9 PF | -183.3
Thoughts and prayers.
| TEAM | REC | PLAYOFF |
|---|---|---|
| Engineers Beards | 2–1 | 57% |
| The Real Slim Brady | 2–1 | 61% |
| Dude Wheres My Carr? | 2–1 | 65% |
| Kaptain America | 0–3 | 21% |
Three teams tied at 2–1.
And Ivan standing alone at 0–3 like the kid whose mom forgot to pick him up after practice.
| TEAM | REC | PLAYOFF |
|---|---|---|
| Purdy Good Times | 3–0 | 76% |
| El Maestro Garcia | 2–1 | 58% |
| Porky's Prime Cut | 1–2 | 39% |
| FX4 Gold Rush | 0–3 | 22% |
2–1
1–2
0–3
A perfect staircase.
Guadalupe at the penthouse.
Erik sleeping next to the dumpster.
Yes, again. Guadalupe is becoming irritating.
A player named Purdy dropping 62.1 for a team named Purdy Good Times feels like collusion by the universe.
The defending four-time champion lost to an 0–2 pig quarterbacked by Tyler Shough. Hang the banner.
55.1 points. Joaquin has been asked to return the microphone to the front desk.
🐷 Porky's — 🟡🟡
One win. Put the gasoline away.
🛡️ Kaptain — 🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴
0–3. Somebody call Nick Fury.
⛏️ FX4 — 🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔥💀⚰️
This is no longer a panic meter. Please contact the next of kin.
Three weeks into the Gold Coast League...
Guadalupe is 3–0.
Ruben leads the Stud Division.
Ishy has apparently stolen a race car.
Joaquin got bitch-slapped by Guadalupe.
Rigo lost to a pig.
Porky's finally sold some meat.
Ivan is 0–3.
Erik may be legally deceased.
But somehow the craziest sentence is still:
IS THE BEST TEAM
IN THE FUCKING LEAGUE.
Not “surprisingly good.”
Not “off to a hot start.”
Not “getting lucky.”
The man went 2–13 last year and apparently spent the offseason in a fucking laboratory.
Unless Erik and Ivan have already deleted the ESPN app.
Gold Coast League Power Rankings
Where friendships come to die.
