🏈 WEEK 7 POWER RANKINGS
THE KING RECLAIMS HIS THRONE. THE PIG IS ON LIFE SUPPORT.
Week 7 was another glorious disaster. Ishy survived Porky’s by 7.5. Rigo dethroned Guadalupe in the Baller Division. Joaquin dropped 178.5 on Ivan. Erik beat Ruben, whose engineers apparently forgot how to count past 105.
And Guadalupe? He started 4–0. He is now 4–3. That’s not a losing streak. That’s a three-episode Netflix documentary.
Meanwhile Porky’s has 4% playoff odds. Four. Percent. The butcher shop is now legally classified as an abandoned building.
DUDE WHERES MY CARR?
Playoff odds: 80% | Movement: ↔
148.5–141.0 over Porky’s
ISHY WON AGAIN. Three straight victories, first place in the Stud Division, and 80% playoff odds. The Carr is no longer missing. It is actively running people off the road.
But let’s be clear: winning by 7.5 against a 1–6 pork chop is not exactly a victory parade. Rene scored 141 and nearly pulled off the upset. Ishy escaped with the win like a guy driving off after sideswiping a parked car.
Still, 5–2 is 5–2. He has the most wins in the league alongside Rigo, and he’s the only manager who seems to know where the gas pedal is.
EL MAESTRO GARCIA
Playoff odds: 84% | Movement: ↑ 2
159.0–147.2 over Purdy Good Times
THE KING IS BACK ON HIS FUCKING THRONE. After getting embarrassed by Ivan two weeks ago, Rigo has quietly stacked two wins and taken control of the Baller Division.
Pollard, McBride, and Lamb combined for 88.0 points. Rigo didn’t need another 227-point nuclear strike. He just needed to beat the former undefeated Guadalupe, which apparently everybody can do now.
Five wins, 84% playoff odds, and four championships in the trophy case. Thanos is collecting infinity stones while the rest of the Baller Division is collecting therapy bills.
THE REAL SLIM BRADY
Playoff odds: 62% | Movement: ↑ 2
178.5–157.0 over Kaptain America
WILL THE REAL SLIM BRADY PLEASE STAND UP? Because Joaquin finally did, and he brought 178.5 points with him.
Dak, Flowers, and Amon-Ra combined for 95.9. Ivan actually scored 157, which should earn some respect, but Joaquin treated his two-game winning streak like a diss track and canceled the entire tour.
Joaquin is 4–3 with 62% playoff odds. His defense has allowed a horrifying 1159.8 points, but his offense keeps dragging him out of the grave. This is fantasy football by Eminem: loud, chaotic, and deeply concerning to the neighbors.
PURDY GOOD TIMES
Playoff odds: 61% | Movement: ↓ 1
147.2–159.0 loss to El Maestro
FOUR AND OH. THEN OH AND THREE. Guadalupe went from undefeated final boss to the guy getting bounced out of the nightclub three weeks in a row.
This loss was only 11.8 points, and his 1187.9 total points are still the most in the league. He’s not suddenly terrible. But three consecutive losses after a 4–0 start? The fraud department has opened a file.
He still has a +126.3 differential, but the Baller Division lead now belongs to Rigo. Guadalupe’s redemption arc has become a suspense thriller where the villain keeps slipping on banana peels.
ENGINEERS BEARDS
Playoff odds: 60% | Movement: ↓ 3
105.0–133.1 loss to FX4 Gold Rush
BUILDING COLLAPSE. CALL OSHA. Ruben went from the top of the Stud Division to scoring 105.0 against Erik. That is not a structural flaw. That is the entire fucking bridge falling into the river.
His top three totaled 55.8. Erik’s quarterback Matthew Stafford alone scored 34.7. A week ago Ruben looked like an engineering genius. This week the blueprints were drawn on a napkin at Denny’s.
The good news: 4–3, positive differential, 60% playoff odds. The bad news: the inspectors have arrived, and they are carrying clipboards.
FX4 GOLD RUSH
Playoff odds: 33% | Movement: ↑ 1
133.1–105.0 over Engineers
ERIK IS THREE AND FOUR. I REPEAT: ERIK IS THREE AND FOUR. A month ago the mine had collapsed, the miners were missing, and the town had declared a national day of mourning.
Now he’s won three of his last four and just beat Ruben by 28.1. Stafford continues to carry the gold operation like a 37-year-old miner working triple overtime.
The playoff odds are only 33%, and the differential is still negative, but Erik is officially back in the conversation. Somewhere Joaquin is furious his brother is allowed to experience happiness.
KAPTAIN AMERICA
Playoff odds: 16% | Movement: ↓ 1
157.0–178.5 loss to Slim Brady
IVAN SCORED 157 AND STILL LOST. Drake Maye dropped 51.7. FIFTY-ONE POINT SEVEN. The man summoned an entire Avengers movie, and Joaquin still won the fight.
After two straight wins, Captain America has crashed back to 2–5. The playoff odds are down to 16%. His quarterbacks have apparently decided to become gods, while the rest of the roster is attending optional team-building exercises.
The shield is dented, the Avengers are arguing in the group chat, and Nick Fury has turned off his phone.
PORKY’S PRIME CUT
Playoff odds: 4% | Movement: ↔
141.0–148.5 loss to Dude
FOUR PERCENT. THAT IS THE PLAYOFF PROBABILITY. Rene has a better chance of finding a five-dollar steak at a Michelin-star restaurant than making the playoffs.
This week Porky’s actually showed signs of life. Caleb Williams put up 43.1, Jeanty added 21.6, and the butcher scored a respectable 141.0. He still lost by 7.5. Because of course he fucking did.
Six road games. Six road losses. Four straight defeats. A -234.1 point differential. The butcher shop has been closed, condemned, reopened as a Spirit Halloween, and condemned again.
At 1–6, the only thing Rene is cutting now is the price of the franchise.
🏆 WEEK 7 AWARDS
🔥 HIGHEST SCORER
The Real Slim Brady — 178.5Joaquin dropped the biggest team score of the week and silenced Ivan’s comeback tour.
🧟 COMEBACK OF THE WEEK
FX4 Gold Rush — 3–4Erik is somehow one game under .500 after starting 0–3. The mine is open for business.
👑 THRONE TAKEOVER
El Maestro Garcia — 5–2Rigo beat Guadalupe and reclaimed first place in the Baller Division.
🏗️ BUILDING CODE VIOLATION
Engineers Beards — 105.0Ruben built a 105-point disaster and called it a finished project.
🥩 OBITUARY OF THE WEEK
Porky’s Prime Cut — 4% playoff oddsSix road losses, four straight overall, and a -234.1 differential. Somebody call the health inspector.
📉 FRAUD WATCH
Purdy Good Times — L3Guadalupe went from 4–0 to 4–3. The first four weeks were the trailer. The last three are the horror movie.
📊 OFFICIAL WEEK 7 POWER RANKINGS
#1 🚗 DUDE WHERES MY CARR? — 5–2 (↔)
#2 🎼 EL MAESTRO GARCIA — 5–2 (↑ 2)
#3 🎤 THE REAL SLIM BRADY — 4–3 (↑ 2)
#4 💀 PURDY GOOD TIMES — 4–3 (↓ 1)
#5 🧔 ENGINEERS BEARDS — 4–3 (↓ 3)
#6 ⛏️ FX4 GOLD RUSH — 3–4 (↑ 1)
#7 🛡️ KAPTAIN AMERICA — 2–5 (↓ 1)
#8 🐷 PORKY’S PRIME CUT — 1–6 (↔)
STUD DIVISION
| Team | Record | Playoff |
|---|---|---|
| Dude Wheres My Carr? | 5–2 | 80% |
| The Real Slim Brady | 4–3 | 62% |
| Engineers Beards | 4–3 | 60% |
| Kaptain America | 2–5 | 16% |
BALLER DIVISION
| Team | Record | Playoff |
|---|---|---|
| El Maestro Garcia | 5–2 | 84% |
| Purdy Good Times | 4–3 | 61% |
| FX4 Gold Rush | 3–4 | 33% |
| Porky’s Prime Cut | 1–6 | 4% |
🍿 FINAL WORD
Ishy is driving the Stud Division. Rigo is conducting the Baller Division. Joaquin has found his microphone. Erik found gold. Ruben lost his building permit. Ivan lost his shield. Guadalupe lost his undefeated season and apparently his sense of direction.
And Porky’s? The pig has 4% playoff odds. At this point, the only thing still alive at the butcher shop is the electric bill.
SEE YOU IN WEEK 8, MOTHERFUCKERS.
THE GOLD COAST LEAGUE — WHERE FRIENDSHIPS COME TO DIE.
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