Four weeks.
We have an undefeated team.
We have a winless team.
We have Ruben leading the Stud Division.
We have Erik finally winning a football game.
And apparently Rigo took last week's loss to Porky's VERY FUCKING PERSONALLY.
227.3
TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY-SEVEN FUCKING POINTS.
Meanwhile, Guadalupe quietly continued his transformation from league punching bag into the fucking Undertaker.
Purdy Good Times is now 4–0.
Ivan is now 0–4.
Perfectly balanced.
As all things should be.
85% Playoff Odds | 1st Baller | W4 | Previous: #1 ↔
Seriously.
We need answers.
Last year:
Human bye week.
League punching bag.
Free win.
This year:
And now he has beaten Porky's 179.4–140.6.
💀 Kyren Williams — 36.7
💀 Tee Higgins — 26.7
Guadalupe has now scored:
198.6
197.4
179.4
That's 753.6 points.
Average:
He owns a +213.8 point differential.
His playoff odds are already 85%.
And he's 2–0 inside the Baller Division.
At this point Guadalupe isn't beating teams.
He's processing them.
Last year's 2–13 season wasn't failure.
Apparently it was a fucking supervillain origin story.
69% Playoff Odds | 2nd Baller | W1 | Previous: #5 ⬆️
Last week Porky's beat El Maestro by 3.7.
We laughed.
We made Thanos jokes.
We said the king had fallen.
Rigo apparently read the article.
Rigo scored 227.3 FUCKING POINTS.
That is not a fantasy score.
That is a hate crime.
🎼 CeeDee Lamb — 41.3
🎼 Patrick Mahomes — 33.5
Those three combined for:
Ivan's entire team scored 101.8.
Rigo's top three outscored Ivan's entire fucking roster by themselves.
Joaquin scored 156.6, which normally gets you a nice comfortable win.
Instead he lost by:
This is why you don't poke the four-time champion with a stick.
Thanos found the fucking gauntlet.
70% Playoff Odds | 1st Stud | W2 | Previous: #3 ↔
Another week.
Another 160+ points.
Another Engineers win.
🏗️ Bijan Robinson — 32.7
🏗️ Nico Collins — 30.8
That's 98.7 points from three guys.
Final:
DUDE 139.7
Ruben is now 3–1.
He leads the Stud Division.
He has scored 670.7 points.
He has a +94.4 differential.
His playoff odds are 70%.
At some point we need to stop acting surprised.
But not yet.
WHO THE FUCK IS MANAGING RUBEN'S TEAM?
54% Playoff Odds | 3rd Stud | L1 | Previous: #2 ⬇️
The Carr was flying last week.
Ruben apparently installed a fucking speed bump.
Ishy didn't even play badly.
🚗 Malik Nabers — 23.2
🚗 Brock Bowers — 20.6
139.7 isn't catastrophic.
It just isn't enough when the construction crew across the street puts up 168.9.
Ishy falls to 2–2, but there's no reason to panic.
He still has a positive point differential and 54% playoff odds.
The Carr isn't totaled.
It's just in the shop.
50% Playoff Odds | 2nd Stud | L2 | Previous: #4 ⬇️
That's good!
Very good, actually.
Unfortunately...
So what the fuck are you supposed to do?
🎤 Chuba Hubbard — 25.9
🎤 Zay Flowers — 25.8
Joaquin's team showed up.
Rigo showed up with a flamethrower.
Slim Brady has now lost two straight after starting 2–0.
And the point differential has crossed into the red at -37.0.
The good news?
Joaquin is still 2–2.
The better news?
Erik finally won, so Joaquin can no longer ask his brother if he's won a game this season.
Tragic.
32% Playoff Odds | W1 | Previous: #8 ⬆️
THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
FX4 Gold Rush has won a fantasy football matchup.
After three weeks trapped underground, rescuers have made contact.
KAPTAIN 101.8
⛏️ Puka Nacua — 27.7
⛏️ Michael Wilson — 16.5
Was 135.9 impressive?
No.
Did Erik give a single shit?
Absolutely fucking not.
When you're 0–3, a win is a win.
The -149.2 differential still looks like something from a crime scene.
But Erik's playoff odds jumped to 32%.
And most importantly...
HE IS NO LONGER IVAN.
25% Playoff Odds | L1 | Previous: #6 ⬇️
Unfortunately Guadalupe brought a fucking flamethrower.
Porky's scored 140.6.
Not great.
Not terrible.
Completely fucking irrelevant against Purdy Good Times.
🐷 Jonathan Taylor — 22.7
🐷 Chris Olave — 19.6
Tyler Shough continues to be the strangest hero in Gold Coast League history.
Last week: 50.1.
This week: 34.1.
Somehow Tyler Shough is trying to drag this meat market into relevance.
Unfortunately Porky's is now 1–3, has lost all three road games, and playoff odds have dropped to 25%.
We're approaching the point where the butcher needs to stop rearranging the display case and start selling some fucking steaks.
15% Playoff Odds | L4 | Previous: #7 ⬇️
101.8.
One hundred and one point eight.
In the year of our Lord 2026.
Even worse?
The opponent was Erik.
Erik entered this matchup 0–3.
The mine had collapsed.
The rescue operation had been canceled.
And Ivan somehow climbed into the hole and said:
🛡️ Trevor Lawrence — 26.7
🛡️ Luther Burden — 11.4
After Walker and Lawrence, the Avengers basically went home.
Ivan is now:
15% PLAYOFF ODDS
-144.6 DIFFERENTIAL
Last week we said you can't choke in the playoffs if you don't make them.
Ivan apparently took that as a challenge.
AVENGERS: DISASSEMBLED.
1. 💀 Purdy Good Times — 4–0 ↔
753.6 PF | +213.8
Until somebody beats him, Guadalupe owns the fucking throne.
2. 🎼 El Maestro Garcia — 3–1 ⬆️
685.4 PF | +96.3
227.3. No further questions.
3. 🧔 Engineers Beards — 3–1 ↔
670.7 PF | +94.4
Ruben is still good. We're running out of ways to pretend this is temporary.
4. 🚗 Dude Wheres My Carr? — 2–2 ⬇️
621.3 PF | +35.2
Still dangerous. Carr temporarily in the shop.
5. 🎤 The Real Slim Brady — 2–2 ⬇️
649.6 PF | -37.0
Scored 156.6 and still got sent to the shadow realm.
6. ⛏️ FX4 Gold Rush — 1–3 ⬆️
502.8 PF | -149.2
HE WON! EVERYBODY GET IN HERE!
7. 🐷 Porky's Prime Cut — 1–3 ⬇️
547.4 PF | -108.9
The meat is technically edible.
8. 🛡️ Kaptain America — 0–4 ⬇️
493.3 PF | -144.6
We are lowering the flag to half-staff.
| TEAM | REC | PLAYOFF |
|---|---|---|
| Engineers Beards | 3–1 | 70% |
| The Real Slim Brady | 2–2 | 50% |
| Dude Wheres My Carr? | 2–2 | 54% |
| Kaptain America | 0–4 | 15% |
Ruben sits alone on top at 3–1.
Joaquin and Ishy are fighting at 2–2.
Ivan is three games back after four weeks.
That's honestly impressive in the worst possible way.
| TEAM | REC | PLAYOFF |
|---|---|---|
| Purdy Good Times | 4–0 | 85% |
| El Maestro Garcia | 3–1 | 69% |
| Porky's Prime Cut | 1–3 | 25% |
| FX4 Gold Rush | 1–3 | 32% |
Guadalupe and Rigo have basically turned the Baller Division into a two-man dictatorship.
Porky's and FX4 are three games back after four weeks.
Fantastic work, gentlemen.
There are scores. There are great scores. Then there is whatever the fuck Rigo just did.
Joaquin scored 156.6 and lost by 70.7. Fantasy football is a cruel and hilarious bitch.
After three weeks in the grave, Erik's hand just punched through the dirt.
Ivan didn't just give Erik his first win. He gift-wrapped it.
🚗 Dude — 🟡
2–2. Relax. The Carr just needs an oil change.
🎤 Slim Brady — 🟡🟡
Two straight losses, but the offense is alive.
🐷 Porky's — 🔴🔴🔴
1–3 and 25%. The butcher is checking the expiration dates.
⛏️ FX4 — 🔴🔴
A WIN! Panic temporarily downgraded from obituary to urgent care.
🛡️ Kaptain — 🔴🔴🔴🔴🔴🔥💀⚰️
0–4. Fifteen percent. Please contact Nick Fury.
Four weeks into the Gold Coast League...
Guadalupe is 4–0.
Rigo just scored 227.3.
Ruben is 3–1 and leading the Stud Division.
Ishy's Carr needs maintenance.
Joaquin scored 156.6 and somehow got his ass kicked.
Erik finally won.
Porky's is back to selling discount meat.
Ivan is 0–4.
But there are currently two monsters standing above everyone else:
One is the defending four-time champion.
The other went 2–13 last year and apparently sold his soul during the offseason.
IS THIS SEASON?
Ivan, please win a game.
This is becoming uncomfortable.
THE GOLD COAST LEAGUE
Where friendships come to die.
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