🏈 WEEK 6 POWER RANKINGS
THE PIG IS DEAD, THE CAPTAIN IS BACK, AND THE PURDY DYNASTY LASTED FOUR FUCKING WEEKS
Week 6 was the kind of week that makes you question whether anybody in this league actually knows what they're doing.
Ruben is back on top of the Stud Division. Ishy has won two straight. Ivan has discovered the magical concept of scoring more points than his opponent. Guadalupe started 4–0 and has now lost two in a row. Rigo survived on 133 points. And Rene's butcher shop has officially been condemned.
DUDE WHERES MY CARR?
72% playoff odds | W2 | Previous: #1 ↔
THE CARR IS RUNNING ON PURE DISRESPECT
Week 6: Beat Slim Brady 144.7–116.4. Jordan Love 37.3, Malik Nabers 28.5, Matthew Golden 22.4.
Last week Ishy put up 221.2 and killed Guadalupe's undefeated streak. This week he didn't need a nuclear weapon. He just needed to beat Joaquin, which, as it turns out, is significantly easier.
Jordan Love showed up with 37.3 and Malik Nabers contributed 28.5 while Joaquin's team performed a live acoustic version of disappointment.
Ishy has the Stud Division's highest playoff probability at 72%. The Carr isn't lost anymore. It's doing donuts in the parking lot while everybody else files insurance claims.
ENGINEERS BEARDS
67% playoff odds | W1 | Previous: #4 ↑ 2
RUBEN HAS RECLAIMED THE CONSTRUCTION SITE
Week 6: Beat Purdy Good Times 141.6–106.0. Josh Allen 36.6, D'Andre Swift 23.0, George Kittle 17.9.
Ruben just handed Guadalupe his second straight loss, and he didn't even need 150 points to do it. He brought a clipboard, a hard hat, and a building permit for Guadalupe's funeral.
Josh Allen dropped 36.6, Swift contributed 23.0, and Kittle added 17.9. Meanwhile Purdy's offense looked like somebody unplugged the router.
Ruben is 4–2, officially first in the Stud Division on the supplied standings, and owns a +114.3 differential. Last year he went 3–12. This year he's already exceeded that win total in six weeks.
PURDY GOOD TIMES
74% playoff odds | L2 | Previous: #2 ↓ 1
THE EMPIRE STRIKES OUT
Week 6: Lost to Engineers 106.0–141.6. Brock Purdy 34.2, Jaxon Smith-Njigba 25.4, Emeka Egbuka 17.8.
Remember when Guadalupe was 4–0? Remember when he was averaging 188.4 points per game? Remember when we were discussing whether the league should simply hand him the trophy?
Well, the alleged dynasty has now lost two straight. This week he scored 106.0, a season low, and got beaten by Ruben's engineering firm.
Guadalupe still leads the league in total points at 1040.7 and still has 74% playoff odds. So no, he's not dead. But somebody has definitely located the off switch.
EL MAESTRO GARCIA
71% playoff odds | W1 | Previous: #5 ↑ 1
THE CONDUCTOR WON WITH A KAZOO
Week 6: Beat FX4 133.0–125.3. Patrick Mahomes 26.8, Bhayshul Tuten 24.7, Carnell Tate 19.0.
Two weeks ago Rigo dropped 227.3 and nearly cracked the scoreboard. Last week he got humiliated by Ivan. This week he scored 133.0 and somehow escaped with a win.
That's the four-time champion experience: sometimes you bring the entire orchestra, and sometimes you win by banging two trash-can lids together.
Rigo won by 7.7, improved to 4–2, and sits right behind Guadalupe in the Baller Division. He has 71% playoff odds despite looking like three different fantasy teams over the last three weeks.
THE REAL SLIM BRADY
50% playoff odds | L1 | Previous: #3 ↓ 2
WILL THE REAL SLIM BRADY PLEASE SCORE SOME POINTS?
Week 6: Lost to Dude 116.4–144.7. Christian McCaffrey 32.7, Dak Prescott 28.0, Javonte Williams 13.0.
Joaquin went from scoring 187.2 last week to 116.4 this week. That's a 70.8-point drop. Eminem has had better comeback albums than this.
CMC and Dak combined for 60.7, and apparently the rest of the roster assumed that was sufficient. Spoiler: it fucking wasn't.
Joaquin is now 3–3, has a negative point differential, and sits at exactly 50% playoff odds. He's not out of the race, but the microphone is making feedback noises.
KAPTAIN AMERICA
28% playoff odds | W2 | Previous: #7 ↑ 1
HOLY SHIT. THE AVENGERS HAVE WON TWO IN A ROW.
Week 6: Beat Porky's 144.2–121.5. Drake Maye 45.9, Kenneth Walker III 27.9, Luther Burden III 17.5.
Ivan started 0–4. We held the funeral. We lowered the shield to half-staff. We began interviewing replacements for Captain America.
Then he beat Rigo. Now he beat Rene. Suddenly the motherfucker is on a two-game winning streak.
Drake Maye dropped 45.9, Kenneth Walker added 27.9, and Ivan improved to 2–4. Is this a comeback? Maybe. Is beating Porky's proof of anything? Absolutely fucking not. But two wins count, and Ivan finally has something to celebrate besides not being Erik.
FX4 GOLD RUSH
28% playoff odds | L1 | Previous: #6 ↓ 1
THE GOLD RUSH HAS HIT A FUCKING ROCK
Week 6: Lost to Maestro 125.3–133.0. Matthew Stafford 32.7, James Cook III 24.3, Dameon Pierce 15.0.
Last week Erik put up 182.5 and beat Porky's by 95. This week he scored 125.3 and lost to a Rigo team that was practically begging to be beaten.
That's the problem with mining for gold: one week you strike it rich, the next you're staring at a rock wondering whether you can sell it on Facebook Marketplace.
Erik is 2–4, with 28% playoff odds, and has now lost the momentum from his two-game winning streak. Still, at least he isn't in last place in the Baller Division anymore. Thank you, Rene, for your service.
PORKY'S PRIME CUT
9% playoff odds | L3 | Previous: #8 ↔
THE BUTCHER SHOP HAS ENTERED BANKRUPTCY PROCEEDINGS
Week 6: Lost to Kaptain 121.5–144.2. Tyler Shough 41.6, Jonathan Taylor 23.1, Ashton Jeanty 15.8.
Last week Porky's scored 87.5 and got butchered by Erik. This week Tyler Shough put up 41.6, and Rene STILL couldn't win.
It's genuinely impressive how many points Tyler Shough can score while the rest of the roster apparently takes a union-mandated lunch break.
Rene is now 1–5. He's 0–5 on the road. His point differential is -226.6. His playoff odds are 9%.
NINE PERCENT. At this point the odds of a customer finding fresh meat at Porky's Prime Cut are higher than the odds of Rene making the playoffs.
And the worst part? He just gave Ivan his second straight win. That's not a loss. That's community service.
🏆 WEEK 6 AWARDS
Ruben held the former undefeated powerhouse to 106.0 and won by 35.6. The engineer has discovered the blueprint for beating Guadalupe.
Second straight win, 72% playoff odds, and the top spot in these power rankings. Somebody get this man a license.
From 0–4 to 2–4. Nick Fury is returning Ivan's calls again.
From 4–0 to two straight losses, with just 106.0 points this week. The villain has discovered consequences.
1–5, -226.6, 9% playoff odds. The freezer is empty and the lights are off.
📊 OFFICIAL WEEK 6 POWER RANKINGS
1. 🚗 Dude Wheres My Carr? — 4–2 ↔
2. 🧔 Engineers Beards — 4–2 ↑2
3. 💀 Purdy Good Times — 4–2 ↓1
4. 🎼 El Maestro Garcia — 4–2 ↑1
5. 🎤 The Real Slim Brady — 3–3 ↓2
6. 🛡️ Kaptain America — 2–4 ↑1
7. ⛏️ FX4 Gold Rush — 2–4 ↓1
8. 🐷 Porky's Prime Cut — 1–5 ↔
STUD DIVISION
| TEAM | REC | PLAYOFF |
|---|---|---|
| Engineers Beards | 4–2 | 67% |
| Dude Wheres My Carr? | 4–2 | 72% |
| The Real Slim Brady | 3–3 | 50% |
| Kaptain America | 2–4 | 28% |
BALLER DIVISION
| TEAM | REC | PLAYOFF |
|---|---|---|
| Purdy Good Times | 4–2 | 74% |
| El Maestro Garcia | 4–2 | 71% |
| FX4 Gold Rush | 2–4 | 28% |
| Porky's Prime Cut | 1–5 | 9% |
🍿 FINAL WORD
Ruben is building a dynasty. Ishy is driving the getaway car. Guadalupe's engine is smoking. Rigo is winning ugly. Joaquin is rapping off-key. Ivan is back from the dead. Erik is digging through gravel.
And Rene is standing outside an abandoned butcher shop holding a sign that says “PLAYOFF CHANCES: 9% OFF.”
SEE YOU IN WEEK 7, MOTHERFUCKERS.
THE GOLD COAST LEAGUE — WHERE FRIENDSHIPS COME TO DIE.
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