🏈 WEEK 8 POWER RANKINGS
BURROW DROPPED 80.7, ERIK WON BY 0.3, AND THE PIG IS BACON
Week 8 was a fucking circus. Joe Burrow scored 80.7. Erik beat his own brother Joaquin by 0.3. Ishy won his fourth straight. And Porky's playoff odds fell to 1%, which is less a probability and more a medical diagnosis.
Let's inspect the wreckage.
DUDE WHERES MY CARR?
186.2–175.8 over El Maestro
Top performers: Jordan Love 44.8 · Brock Bowers 28.2 · Jahmyr Gibbs 24.8
FOUR STRAIGHT WINS. The Carr has gone from missing to a fucking getaway vehicle. Rigo scored 175.8 and still got left on the side of the highway. Ishy leads the Stud Division, has the league's best record, and owns 88% playoff odds. The rest of the league is chasing his taillights.
PURDY GOOD TIMES
203.7–143.4 over Kaptain America
Top performers: Joe Burrow 80.7 · Tee Higgins 37.5 · Jaxon Smith-Njigba 25.8
JOE BURROW SCORED EIGHTY POINT SEVEN. That is a quarterback performance, a mortgage payment, and a restraining order all at once. Burrow and Higgins combined for 118.2, enough to nearly beat Ivan by themselves. Guadalupe finally snapped his three-game skid and still leads the entire league in points. The monster was only taking a fucking nap.
EL MAESTRO GARCIA
175.8–186.2 loss to Dude
Top performers: Tony Pollard 30.7 · Bhayshul Tuten 29.9 · Jayden Daniels 29.0
Rigo put up 175.8 and still lost. This is the fantasy equivalent of playing a beautiful symphony while someone drives a monster truck through the orchestra pit. The four-time champ still leads the Baller Division on the standings tiebreaker, but Guadalupe is now tied at 5–3 and breathing down his neck. Maestro, your baton is starting to shake.
ENGINEERS BEARDS
149.4–131.4 over Porky's
Top performers: Josh Allen 47.4 · D'Andre Swift 27.9 · Christian Watson 19.3
Ruben bounced back, and Josh Allen personally handled nearly a third of the workload. Against Porky's, 149.4 was more than enough. The engineering crew didn't need blueprints; they just needed to show up while the butcher shop continued its spectacular structural collapse. At 5–3, Ruben remains a legitimate threat. OSHA has cleared the building. For now.
FX4 GOLD RUSH
127.6–127.3 over The Real Slim Brady
Top performers: Michael Wilson 26.8 · Puka Nacua 25.0 · Matthew Stafford 19.2
ERIK BEAT JOAQUIN BY 0.3 POINTS. THREE TENTHS. Not three touchdowns. Not three points. THREE FUCKING TENTHS. The Ruiz brothers have now produced a family feud so petty it requires a calculator. Erik is 4–4, has won two straight, and is back in the playoff race. Joaquin may need to skip Thanksgiving and change his phone number.
THE REAL SLIM BRADY
127.3–127.6 loss to FX4
Top performers: Dak Prescott 31.5 · Chuba Hubbard 24.9 · Jaylen Warren 21.3
WILL THE REAL SLIM BRADY PLEASE STAND UP? Actually, sit the fuck down. You just lost to your brother by 0.3. That's not a defeat; that's an accounting error with lifelong consequences. Joaquin is now 4–4, while Erik gets to bring up this matchup at every birthday, barbecue, and family Christmas until the sun explodes.
KAPTAIN AMERICA
143.4–203.7 loss to Purdy
Top performers: Drake Maye 40.9 · Ja'Marr Chase 31.1 · Dalton Kincaid 18.6
Ivan finally had momentum last week, and then Joe Burrow dropped 80.7 on his fucking head. A 143.4 score is respectable. Losing by 60.3 is not. The Avengers are now 2–6, their playoff odds are down to 6%, and Nick Fury has stopped returning calls. Captain America may need to apply for a position with the Justice League.
PORKY'S PRIME CUT
131.4–149.4 loss to Engineers
Top performers: Caleb Williams 30.3 · Braelon Allen 23.3 · DJ Moore 18.6
ONE PERCENT. ONE FUCKING PERCENT. Porky's is 1–7, has lost five straight, and is 0–7 on the road. The butcher shop isn't a business anymore. It's an abandoned building with a handwritten sign reading “WE TRIED.” Caleb Williams put up 30.3 and the team still lost. Rene's playoff hopes are now so microscopic that scientists need an electron microscope to find them. The meat is expired. The freezer is broken. The pig has filed for bankruptcy.
🏆 WEEK 8 AWARDS
Guadalupe got an entire second quarterback's worth of points from one human being.
Thanksgiving dinner now requires separate tables and an official ESPN scorekeeper.
Ishy owns the best record and is driving away with the Stud Division.
At this point, even the flies have abandoned the meat counter.
📊 OFFICIAL WEEK 8 POWER RANKINGS
1. 🚗 Dude Wheres My Carr? — 6–2 (↔)
2. 💀 Purdy Good Times — 5–3 (↑ 2)
3. 🎼 El Maestro Garcia — 5–3 (↓ 1)
4. 🧔 Engineers Beards — 5–3 (↑ 1)
5. ⛏️ FX4 Gold Rush — 4–4 (↑ 1)
6. 🎤 The Real Slim Brady — 4–4 (↓ 3)
7. 🛡️ Kaptain America — 2–6 (↔)
8. 🐷 Porky's Prime Cut — 1–7 (↔)
STUD DIVISION
| Team | Record | Playoff % |
|---|---|---|
| Dude Wheres My Carr? | 6–2 | 88% |
| Engineers Beards | 5–3 | 65% |
| The Real Slim Brady | 4–4 | 49% |
| Kaptain America | 2–6 | 6% |
BALLER DIVISION
| Team | Record | Playoff % |
|---|---|---|
| El Maestro Garcia | 5–3 | 75% |
| Purdy Good Times | 5–3 | 73% |
| FX4 Gold Rush | 4–4 | 43% |
| Porky's Prime Cut | 1–7 | 1% |
FINAL WORD
Ishy is driving. Guadalupe is reloading. Rigo is conducting. Ruben is building. Erik is celebrating three tenths of a point like a Super Bowl. Joaquin is considering legal action. Ivan is calling the Avengers.
And Porky's?
THE PIG IS FUCKING BACON.
SEE YOU IN WEEK 9.
THE GOLD COAST LEAGUE — WHERE FRIENDSHIPS COME TO DIE.
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