Thursday, September 29, 2016

Week 3 Power Rankings

Yes...

 ...week 3 has come and gone, but in it's wake normalcy returned.

The rookies once again tasted defeat. And of course... the victors laughed in their misery...





















Even the most interesting man in the world took time from his very interesting life to laugh at your pathetic efforts.


Your line up proved to be futile. Better luck next week rookies... but not really...

With that out of the way... lets start...
Coming in at...

10) BonTito Freak

Well, where to start here.. for those who are not acquainted with Freak terminology... here is a definition of mojo:


And the freak has lost it completely. It's been lost. Images of where it was last seen:


Oh, will you look at that. God bless him. I'm pretty sure he's undefeated in his league.
And what the fuck is right girl. As in what the fuck is up with this team?

Despite having the highest scorer last week in Marvin Jones.. ( a great draft choice btw...the number one receiver taken in the 7th round ) it was not enough to surpass the 6god. 

As atrocious as pathetic as this team's been.. one bit of good news is that Le'veon Bell will be returning from suspension.  And Le'veon is ready.. as can be seen by his latest tweet:


He had these words to share for his owner...
My belief is that his three losses are attributed to the new online dating site hes  been on:



Then, coming in at...
9)  Porky's Prime Cut

 Things did not look good at Porky's Prime Cuts this weekend... an unforeseen guest arrived..here some footage:
 


That Old pork is fucking older than all of us!!

 The Dream Team proved to be superior in every way this weekend.. and porky... well porky only had this to say...


Even Porky's Radio announcer, Bob Lamey was just glad the game ended. Here is a snippet from the broadcast.



8)  Team Eulloqui

 Well Team Eulloqui's week started great.
First, Eli got a call that Sunday morning...

Everything was going to go great until...

Luckily, Eulloqui still had Gurley to rely on. Gurley carried the illegal Eulloquis to victory.. and everything seemed great durning the week until....

The Eulloquis did not vibe out.
7) Big Ben's Peter

 Did Miyagi's magic hands work?.....

They fucking did holy shit!! A proud Mr. Miyagi looked on from the stands as Big Ben's Fucking Peter grew even bigger in front of our own eyes.

 We interviewed a fan after the game...


All night Long motherfuckers!!!

 Images of him later celebrating that night...


And yes you are correct that is in fact Beto and Jesse blowing Tiger and Big Ben. And no, Ben and Tiger do not care if they contract aids. And I have no idea why Jesse went blonde.
6)  Rigo Suave

 There was nothing suave about this matchup. For the second time this season.. the suaves lost by over 60 points.

 It was just a royal beatdown handed to him by the reigning champ.



Oh shit is right! Suave took a fucking shovel to the dome the way 302 blasted his lineup.

 During the match, while at a bbq... Erik surprised Beto with a special someone:

Ha! You fucking loser, Beto. Not so suave there. You need some dating advice from Leon.

Images from the game:





Fatality Bitch!!

 But all is not gloom for the rookie. The exclusive purchase of one of his beats was turned into a massive hit overseas.. Here the premiere:

I don't know about you guys, but that beat is fire.

 Hopefully the suaves can draw inspiration from these lyrics and take it out onto the field next week.


5) You Can Run But you Can't Hyde

 The running meet didn't go so well, did it?

Are you ok, hunny? 

 Black Ruben is getting whiter with every passing week. He might have to change his name to Michael Jackson Ruben if he can't pull the win against his brother in Law, the 6god.

 Also, Asics has pulled their endorsement from the team. 



4) Joaquin's Dream Team

 The Dream remains alive:

Not exactly sure what the fuck little Joaquin was trying to say there.. but he sure was able to do whatever he liked last week.

 His QB Andrew Luck was seen in a good mood after the win:

Joaquin was very emotional after the win also and delivered a very emotional speech to his son


Wow. Very powerful... protect your dream everyone.  Unless you're Jesse and Beto.

3)  Kaptain America

 America rose from its ashes and it was beautiful thing to witness.  The Real American showed up this week.




That's right you fucking illegals! Check it!!



Even our number one fan was celebrating the victory at work this week:





2)  Sixburgh Steelers

 The 6god just rolling through the sixburgh. All good.. still holding down the number two spot.




Just Breezy... still undefeated. The 6god just enjoying the beautiful life along the gold coast.


1) 302 Gold Rush

 You don't have to ask the CEO how business is.. ask Antonio Brown...



Believe that!

  And again!

 Business is booming for the still undefeated reigning champ. And his prize star AB, is not only his number one receiver, he also handles the "reception" desk at Company 302.


Lagarette Blount was huge for 302 in this game as well :

And that Chiefs defense was fuego.
BONUS:

 Random funny shit:













 Bitch Move of the Week:

Team Eulloqui

 for leaving Jeremy Hill, Doug Baldwin, Jimmy Graham, and Tavon Austin, on the bench who together accounted for 133 points, which is nearly 80% of what his entire lineup scored.

 Congratulations Jesse... you played yourself.
Genius Move of the Week:

302 Gold Rush 

All his starters scored in double digits except for two. Stafford, his highest scorer went for 70+




And his Chiefs Defense put up 38.
The League Video of The Week:


Best of The Week:









BONUS, BONUS:


Also.. just because it's Rivalry Week.. i leave you with this:



So look your rival straight in the eyes and tell 'em to suck those plums!! 

Week 4 starts tonight!!

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Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Week 2 Power Rankings

A new Tuesday has dawned.

 Winners have faltered, losers have risen.

 The standings will never be the same.

 For some, the road to the playoffs has already proven to be a tumultuous and arduous one, it is a road paved with zero fucks and a a lot of cojones.

 But before I begin. I must announce that history was made in our league this week. For the first time, ever, two expansion teams (rookies) have won their first W together in the same wee. Rigo Suave and Eulloqui have both won. Yes, you have heard correctly. Rigo Suave and Elloqui have won.











Footage of the two rookies celebrating:





And now for the power rankings:

Coming at 10... no surprise here:

10) Big Ben's Peter

After falling 0-2. Big Ben's Peter finds itself in a rut. Losing to the aids inflicted rookie Rigo, has relegated him to the last spot in the rankings. He will have to turn his season around  if he has any hopes of acquiring a playoff spot.

Adding insult to injury, Big Ben's Peter may have lost Adrian Peterson to injury. Here, images of Ruben after learning of Adrian's knee:



And an update on Peterson now:




We've also caught footage of Ruben attempting to log into his WiFi:



 Ruben wasn't too happy during his presser following the game:



Big Ben's Peter's season hangs in the balance. And there may be only one man that can fix it:

9) BonTitoFreak


 Having suffered yet another loss, this time to Joaquin's Dream's Team, the freak has lost his mojo.

Here, some images of the freak trying to turn his season around. 


Russel Wilson looked horrendous on offense. Maybe it had something to do with his training:




The freak is missing Le'veon and Gronk terribly. Here some reports on how his players are progressing in the bench:







We'll see if the freak can get his mojo back next week when he faces Sixburgh.


8) Porky's Prime Cut

It was a tough week to be a pig. I will save everyone the gruesome details of what transpired, and skip straight to the live images:





7) Team Eulloqui

Eulloqui brought America down. I don't know how he did it, but Eulloqui pulled out his first victory. Even Eli, a traitor to his country, didn't know how he pulled this tremendous feat.


Todd Gurley committing treason as he takes a bite out of that W.


Images of Eli the terrorist  celebrating after the win. 



6) Joaquin's Dream Team

A big victory to keep his team at .500.. but was it real or only a dream??


Images of Joaquin setting up his sleeping place prior to the matchup:

 

Regardless, the team sleeps well tonight.




5) Rigo Suave 

Gentlemen, the rookie has won his first game.  Let that sink in.

Rigo Suave is in the building and he's feeling himself. 

 
 

He would also like to remind everyone of his team's fighting song: 

 


4) You Can Run but you Can't Hyde


The running streak ended with a thud against Sixburgh.



3) Kaptain America

It's a sad day in America. The children weep.  






But we will not stand for this. These terrorists. These "Elloquis" must be deported as soon as possible. They pose a threat to our national security everything that is great about this nation.  They are after our jobs. Our wins. Our hopes and dreams of a playoff berth. The do not to deserve to play in this league. We must build a cyber wall to keep these fantasy rapists from washing up on our golden shore.  They must be expelled from this league immediately.  Lets make America great again. 
                                      


2) Sixburgh Steelers 

Sixburgh is undefeated.  He's rolling easy through the 6.




Him and 302 the only undefeated teams standing.


And finally, the number one spot...

1) 302 Gold Rush

 


You all know why he's here.

The defending champ has proved to be in fine form and has started his 2016 campaign with two wins. The 302 is firing and roaring.  

And you all must know that 302 is not just the Mustang Model this team drives, it is also the suite number of his new company. Here some  footage of his new business venture.








The defending champ has also found a spot for his backup quarterback at his new company.





BONUS:


Bitch Move of the Week:


                     
Porky's Prime Cut 

For leaving Steffon Diggs and Martellus Bennet on the bench, who both combined for 80 points.




Genius Move of the Week






Rigo Suave 

 for starting Cam Newton who accumulated for 78 points. 

The League Video of the Week:




Best of Week 2 in the NFL: 























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