Alright...fuck... what a week of football. Game-winning field goals missed. Two point conversions converted. Defensive shutouts.
Like in life, there were winners and there were losers. And it was no different for this... our league of the gold coast... The Gold Coast League. The sun shimmers on our shores this Tuesday morning, but the waves have rolled in, and they have left their wreckage. A swathe of despair and dejection.
The privileged few who can call themselves week one winners have planted in our sacred sands their sweet flags of victory and in their wake have left a rut of broken fantasy dreams, demoralized lineups, and a rookie with aids.
So with that said, I would like to present to you my week one power rankings.
Coming in at 10...
10) Big Ben's Peter
I don't know exactly what the fuck your name means, but I know you lost. You would have needed 25 two-point conversions and one extra point to just tie this fucking game... wow. Big Ben's gonna need an even bigger Peter if he wants to win against the rookie Rigo Suave in week two.
Now some highlights from that matchup:
Freaks come out at night, but apparently not on Monday Night as the Ram's Defense fails to show up and concedes 28 points to the 49ers, giving Porky's Prime cut the victory.
Live images:
This freak is gonna have to step his pickup game up if he wants a W for next week. He will have to take a lesson from one his freak brethren:
8) Team Eulloqui
In an effort to understand more about this new expansion team in the Gold Coast League, I googled the word Eulloqui.. and I found some very interesting facts. Such as...
Eulloqui reversed is Iuqollue
Anagrams: Uuliqleo Oulueliq Uiluqloe
Mispells: Eulloquy Eullogui Eulloquj Eulloquia Eluloqui Eulloqiu
Rhymes: Yaqui loci croaky croci closely slowly
Fantasy facts about name that also rhyme: Yucky, sucky, fucking unlucky.
Fucking A, right? Some enthralling facts there. Some knowledge for you on this Tuesday. You learn something new every day unless you're Team Eulloquy...
...and start Todd Gurley against the 49ers run defense.
Live look in during halftime:
And yes.. keep on sucking!
7) Rigo Suave
Boyyyy you got:
Even Beastmode came out of retirement to share his thoughts about what transpired to Rico Suaves.
No metaphors here... I ran through that motherfuckin face boyyy!
I mean you left Cam on the bench for who? Dak Prescott??
Even my quarterback had some thoughts on that:
Some images from the matchup:
Welcome to The Gold Coast League biaaatch!!
6) Joaquin's Dream Team
You should've just let the snooze button go on this one. ZzzzZZzzz
I'm sure the result was better in your head as all dreams are. But this is what it looked like in reality.. a live look in:
An angle on Buki... he was also present for the loss. Man's best friend.
But don't let that deter you.. Keep the dream alive my brother... keep that dream alive.
And now onto our winners.. coming it at 5...
5) Porky's Prime Cut
Porky's prime cut danced to victory over the freak. The victory was a slim one, but there's nothing slim about these cold cuts.
Images of Aaron Rodgers that night, celebrating:
4) 302 Gold Rush
The defending champs came in to the 2016 season in a fury and ran away with the Gold.
Here, some live images from the game:
3) Sixburgh Steelers
Sixburgh came into the 2016 season handling business. Nothing new here.
Lets see if Can't Hyde proves to be a formidable foe next week.
2) You Can Run but you Can't Hyde
Can't Hyde jumped of the gate running...
And running...
And running...
..... lets see how far he can go.
And coming in at one... the league's highest scorer...
1) Kaptain America
Making America great again.
Cheers you illegal rapists!
Now...Charlie, singing our national anthem:
'murica killing the competition...
Guys.. im simply here trying to...
Guy's i'm just....
Simply...
And lastly my winning speech to all of you:
BONUS:
Bitch Move of the Week:
Rigo Suave and the Suaves leaving Cam Newton and Melvin Gordon on the bench.
Genius Move of the Week:
You can run but can't Hyde's receivers combining for over 100 points.
The League Video Of The Week:
The Best Images of Week One in the NFL:
And with that we end week one... and good luck everyone in week 2.
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