Tuesday, November 13, 2018

Week 10 Power Rankings

Oh the vitriol..the animosity... the sheer madness. The prestige and integrity of the weekly Power Rankings have recently been under attack by cynics, egotists... enemies.

 America will not stand for this!!!

These rankings are held holy and sacred and America will not allow these doubters and deadbeats to chastise to denounce them any longer.

 We will not have it!!!!



And with that said...we will now commence our cherished, accurate Rankings.
Beer Bitch Position) BonTito Freak

 A tough loss to FX4 Gold Rush, the freaks find themselves in the much feared beer bitch spot.

The freaks have  scored a total of 1867 points.

 For reference we will show a photo of their total amount of points scored if it was a year.

 1867:

That's a pretty fucking old photograph..

 Well the only good news for the freaks is that they are not alone in the bottom...

 7) Chingones de Zac.

 Despite another loss, these chingones escape falling back into beer bitch position. And for that they should celebrate.

The chingones have scored 1703 points.

 1703:

 Now there was no cameras in 1703. But there was the big Storm of 1703 in England. Here's a beautiful rendering of said storm.

What a travesty. My god.. that was a long time ago.

 6) FX4 Gold Rush

 A rare win keeps the gold rush in what now seems to be their permanence in the 6th spot.

Sorry Big Ben. It's hard to move up when your team has only scored 1649 points all season. Yes, that's the lowest in the league.

 1649:
Jesus what in the fuck must have been going on in 1649... who fucking knows. Oh wait, I just remembered... the execution of Charles the 1st.

Funny, enough that's an accurate drawing of what will transpire to the Gold Rush by Kaptain America.

 5) Rigo Suave

 The suaves aren't looking so smooth after losing by 106 points to Porky's Prime Cuts. Despite a 64 point performance by Nick Chubb, the Suaves were not able to keep up with the blazing hot Porkys.

The suaves have scores 1992 points. There we go. A more familiar year.

 1992:

 Here a picture from a popular 1992 Tv Show.





4) Dude Where's My Carr?

 Dude Where's My Carr gave Kaptain America their second loss and looks to keep rising up the rankings on the shoulders of Wentz and Ertz.




Dude has scored a  total of 1931 points.

 1931: 

 Here's a photo of the 1931 Michigan Football team:



3) Porky's Prime Cuts

 Porky's Prime Cuts had their best win of the season scoring a season high of 276 points.
 

 Porky's has scored a total of 2002 points. Ahhhh 2002.. finally. A year weve all lived in.

 2002:

 here a Sports Illustrated Cover from 2002.


2) Kaptain America

 A two game losing streak bumps America from the top spot. But America never looks back.. and looks to retake the number one spot as they take on the Gold rush this week.

 America has scored a total of 2159 points.

 Now i do not need to tell you all that this year is yet to occur. America lives in the future while you all losers live in the past.

 Now what could be happening in the year 2159?? Your guess is as good as mine.. who the fuck knows.

 2159:

 The whole human race could be living in Elysium.



1) Engineering Champions

 A six game wining streak has pulled the Champions all the way back to 1st place. Brees and Gurley have helped pave the way for the champions to be in familiar territory. But how long could that last? We will all have to wait and see.


Ironically, the champions have only scored 1803. points.


1803:  Again, cameras did not exist in 1803. But Steam engines had just been invented.

Bitch Move of the Week:

 Rigo Suave for benching Mitchell Trubisky, who scored 76 points, for Cam Newton who only scored 29. Not that it wouldve made a difference in the end result but it was still a bitch move for a team that scored the fewest points in week 10.


Genius Move of the Week:
Porky's Prime Cuts for assembling a lineup that scored a total of 276 points led by the dynamic duo of Watson and Elliot.







Bonus:



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Highlights:
NFL:



College: 





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Tuesday, November 6, 2018

Week 9 Power Rankings - Election Night Edition

 

This just in! This just in! In a shocking development..

... hot off the press...



The mighty, previous undefeated Kaptain America has fallen on this election night at the hands of engineering champions. It is mayhem in the streets!!



 

It is a huge blow for America that had perfect season aspirations. But thankfully, on this night of Nov. 6th ... election night, America has proposed a series of Propositions that will make America great and keep it at the top. Beginning with 


Proposition 8)

Would appoint Tito Munoz of the Freak. party as beer bitch. The freaks have only won 2 of their 9 matchups this season. We the people of the Gold Coast cannot stand for such mediocrity, and must force him to wear the Beer Bitch shirt and demand he serve us beer.


Proposition 7)

Would turn back the hands of time and repeal the wrongful acquisition of George Kittle by any Raider fan, in this case Tito Lara, and relinquish him to his rightful home....a 49er nation... America.


Proposition 6)

Would render the value of Gold to virtually 0, and have the name of the League changed to The American Coast League. America has been inundated with this pathetic mineral for many season now and has proposed to have it expelled for good. Say No to Gold. Vote yes on Proposition 6.





Proposition 5)

Would outlaw the use of all cars, especially the integration of the crying David Carr in any line up. 


Proposition 4) 

Would ban the sell of any meat, especially pork, in hopes of promoting a healthier lifestyle. The Gold Coast would adopt a Vegan diet as a result. Animal lives matter. 



Proposition 3) 

Would make all gay Cowboy fans straight again. 

Proposition 2)

Would immediately halt any engineering and housing projects, drying the engineer workforce and  cause all engineers to leave the gold coast.

Proposition 1)

Would keep America great and at the top as it always should be. 



Bitch Move of The Week: 

 


Dude Where's My Carr for having his QB Carr and RB Cohen combine for a grand total of 14 points.




Genius Move of the Week:


Engineering Champions 

For being the first team to defeat the previously undefeated Kaptain America.


Random funny shit:




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Highlights:

NFL:  

 

College: 


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Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Week 8 Power Rankings -- Halloween Edition

 **** Now, Disclaimer....

To enjoy the optimal Halloween Edition I recommend you press play on the video below as you proceed with the rankings... let it play......


 It's Halloween night on the Gold Coast.

 And a storm rages on our shores..












Sleeting our beaches with the blood of the undead.. of the fantasy fallen that just refuse to die. On this night,  Halloween night, they rise from their graves and haunt us for one more time. 


Find shelter. Lock Your doors. Your windows. Hide if you must. But even then, I must warn you... the fantasy fallen mercy no one...


Now follow me if you will .....into my humble abode....Mansion America America....

 

 


 Follow me upstairs... I plead you...


Now come... gather around the fire...

 Oh... hello there. You made it...


Grab yourself a drink and relax... and let me tell you the horrifying tale of the Week 8 Power Rankings, a tale never before told that will send chills down your spine...

 It was all hallows eve when at 8 we had the Chingones came in. 

8) Chingones de Zac..

 Now the only thing scary about these chingones was their record. They had lost 7 of their last 8 games. And that meant that at midnight he would become the evil, much feared, beer bitch.

Serving his poison to all who would partake.

Driving them insane.

 


And then at 7 came in those freaks!

7) Bon Tito Freak

The freaks came out at night,  wreaking havoc.



 

They were some hideous things... but the only thing uglier was their record.

 And at 6 came the Gold Rush.

 6) FX4 Gold Rush

 And all these pathetic creatures wanted was gold.

And they would often disappear...

....much like their winning record.

 And at 5 came the evil porkys.

 5) Porky's Prime Cuts

 These porky's would hunt those who usually ate them.



..with the hopes of the more humans they slaughtered, the more Wins they'd achieve. They were mistaken.

 And at 4 came the evil Cars.

 4) Dude Where's my Carr?

 These cars had a mind of their own.



 
 

They drove recklessly wherever they wanted to, except victory.

 And at 3 came the chilling Suaves.

3) Rigo Suaves

 These suaves carried an evil charisma, seducing anything they wished.

They even seduced a victory for once.

And at 2 came the dreadful engineers.

2) Engineering Champions.

And not only did they engineer Champions... they engineered the dead back to life as well.

 

 

But unfortunately would be unable to engineer a champion like they did last halloween.

 And it one came the most feared of them all.... Kaptain America.

1) Kaptain America

This Kaptain, a hockey captain, was the most badass motherucker. Everyone feared him.

 


He slaughtered all of his competition.



He could not be stopped, amounting an undefeated record.




And he was never stopped. He went on to win the Trofeo d' Oro. 

And that concludes our chilling tale of the week 8 Power rankings.

And it has come time for me to go. I bid you adieu.

 The storm has passed...
The shores have receded..




Dawn has come.. and the monsters, and fantasy fallen must now vanquish.



Slither back to our cursed graves.

Until all hallows eve next year..

 And now the Week 8 victors may enjoy a victory cigar.







Ghoul Move of the Week:




Porky's Prime Cut

 for not starting Marvin Jones Jr. and Deshaun Watson. A pair that could've given them the victory against Kaptain America.

Genius Move of the Week:

Fx4 Gold Rush

 for setting up the lineup that scored the most in week 8 with 235, leading them to a much needed win, possibly saving their season




Random Funny Shit:



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Highlights:

 NFL:

College:












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