Thursday, October 27, 2016

Week 7 Power Rankings

Sound the alarm! Sound the alarm!!








A fucking tie!!





















That's right gentleman, your eyes do not deceive you. For the first time in our vast, rich history, we have a tie. A fucking tie!! A meaningless... cruel, gut wrenching tie.



Whyyyyy????!!


Call me crazy, but overtime points should not count as regular points, especially if they belong to David Johnson and Matt Ryan. That's just over the line.  Am I the only one that cares about the fucking rules here? Mark it 0 for Johnson and Ryan in OT!!


A tie is the most unamerican thing in the history of fucking american things.



I mean, what the fuck is going on around here?

 Last I checked, we lived in the U.S. of fucking A.

 Our parents crossed patrolled borders, swam through perilous rivers.. walked through scorching deserts... and for what?

 So we could spend an entire fucking sunday watching football only to open our fantasycast and see that your team has tied. Tied???!!

 No, no, no, no! This is not the type of life our parents envisioned for us.

 They did not break their backs in strawberry fields under a thousand blazing suns for us to have to bear this cruel injustice.

 So i ask of you to join me and kneel with me against this barbarity, against this ever emerging american enemy, against this unbearable oppression that lurks hidden in every fantasy league that we  hold dearly.

 It's a a foe too close to ignore, gentlemen.

 So join me! And Vote Yes on Prop 139.



Don't let this happen to you. Lets make this a better world for our children.






Well with the campaigning out of the way, lets move on to the rankings.
10) BonTito Freak

 Just pour out a little for those playoff hopes. R.I.P little homies.


Well, even with the playoffs out of reach, this team has not lost any of its naughtyness. As can be seen in what was Gronks' last press conference donning the freak uni.



He's looking like the top beer bitch candidate for the 2017 Gold Coast League Draft. Maybe shipping out Gronk will avoid what now seems inevitable.

 In his place, The freaks welcome Martellus Bennett and Steffon Diggs.

 They're were already spotted practicing they're blue steel, freaky naughty looks:




























Many came out to criticize the trade, but the freak fandom quickly came in defense of their newly acquired TE.

Now on to number...
9) You Can Run But you Can't Hyde

 Live look in at Black Ruben at the moment.



No amount of pigmentation can resuscitate this team's playoff hopes.

 Here is yet another beer bitch candidate. He'll have to get those gears going and find a stride. But at this moment this team can't walk.. much less even jog.

 This team can't even get on it's own two fucking legs.


It's a sad scene to witness
8) Porky's Prime Cuts

 Porky's rebounds with a very strong week 7, defeating the suaves.

 Porky's Prime Cuts health rating was upgraded to a B after the win.And per usual, porky's cuts had to improvise.

 Gordon Ramsey finds a glimmer of hope in this otherwise failing establishment.

There is still some hope for Porky's cold cuts this season. But it will have to be a dish best served cold if he wants to make a run for the playoffs.

 Here  Ickey Woods, now a chef at Porky's will share with us how they make their cold cut sandwiches.



Aaron rodgers was in such a good mood after the win that he wore "the dude" sweater during his press conference

An in spirit of such:

Now with the arrival of Gronk, Porky's might just now see consecutive wins.

 Gronk, arriving: 
7) Rigo Suave

 The rookie squad suffered yet another loss. And there was nothing smooth about this one.

 This young man's smoothness has declined dramatically...  his pick up game has suffered gravely. Here a couple screenshots of him trying to slip into some dm's.

He's wishing he could plus four that win column. Not that easy there rookie. That wasn't all.. here another one:


Looks like these suaves won't be eating ass any time soon. And nothing pisses  Dez Bryant off more than being denied some ass eating.

 As expected, he blew up on the sidelines after the loss..


Just from evaluating some his body language and doing a little lip reading i was able to decipher the following:

 "... yo... what the fuck? You mean I can't get no ass because this rook don't know how to slide into a dm?... i rather have a tie than eat no ass... ya'll fix this shit right now!!"

 Someone who will have plenty to eat now that he's moving on to greener pastures with Kaptain America is Odell Beckham.

Dez - " damn, take me wit you dawg! .... I know you go' na eat, fam!"

 Odell - "most definitely. And sorry bruh, Kaptain only send two tickets. one for me and the net."

 Dez - "it's cool, dawg.. go get you that trofeo del oro now."
But in return The suaves receive Jarvis Landry and Tevin Coleman.

 Jarvi's and Coleman's reaction upon hearing the news:














But they're pros and will still ball out for the suaves.


Just look at Tevin Coleman torch the raiders. Haters will say it's Madden.



 But despite the teams misfortunes... the suaves are vibing to their owners new beat. It's breaking records over seas.



Another one!!

 6) Joaquin's Dream Team

 After suffering yet another loss--albeit short in margin but a loss nevertheless-- the dream is just about gone..

 It was a promising dream but... with this record...


Some dreams are just not meant to be. And Joaquin has no support, not even from his partner Erica.

Their, dreams, especially Joaquin's of winning the trofeo del oro, are just unrealistic.


He'll have to bring his aspirations back down to reality when he faces the suaves.

 5)  Team Eulloqui

 This rookie has emerged as a formidable opponent. Definitely the strongest rookie.

 He's been catching the rest of us offguard like:


He's been riding off the great performances of Eli and Lesean. 






Yes... Eli.. yes.. it's his bye week and he's in good spirits. It's definitely DirectTV Eli playing for the Eulloquis right now.  He'll sit back and watch from home as the Eulloquis battle against Porky's.


4) Big Ben's Peter

 The red fuckin rifle Andy Dalton fills in for Big Ben and shows that his rifle is no small gun either.






"I'm the captain, now" he tells Ben here.

 Red Ryder is ready for the 6god. Rifle locked and Loaded.


3) 302 Gold Rush

 Got that gold back around his neck again.

Riding easy... blinging! Mr. T knows the deal.



 He isn't worried about that bling now with yet another win..

But should he? America has it's eyes on seizing any surplus of gold. 302 should guard that gold close. Or it might just get snatched. 

 Careful...




2)  Kaptain America

 I've gone at length on how America feels about ties. But just to remind you one last time.. this is how we feel about ties:


America, however, is not great because it stays the same. No... America is great because we are always looking to grow greater.. and that is why.. America has acquired Odell Beckham Jr from the. Suaves.



He couldn't get away from that losing record any faster..


Cheers to that!


And coming in at one, yet again...
1) The Sixburgh Steelers...

 The 6god still overlooking the standings...

But the tie didn't sit so well with the 6god either.. and he let it show through out the week at work.


The six gets a little too emotional when tie scores get in the mix. But technically, the 6god is still undefeated... but will he suffer his first loss against the red rifle??

 He doesn't seem too worried







Bonus:








A photo posted by Bleacher Report (@bleacherreport) on

The League Video of the Week:

 In spirit of all the missed FG's and close games this week...

Bitch Movie of the Week:

Kaptain America 

for benching Jay Ajayi who scored 60+ points for his second week in a row. (Fuck you Matt Berry)

Genius Move of the Week:
302 Gold Rush 

for putting together the only line up to go surpass 200 points. (Doubt that happens two weeks straight)

Best of Week 7:













Posted by at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)